This blog post was part of the 3rd Annual Suicide Prevention Awareness Month blog tour and originally appeared on Dear Debt. If you are feeling suicidal, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text HOME to 741741.
“It’s so hard to exist. Everything hurts. I am suffocating in my own sadness.”
That was a sentence I wrote in my journal just a few months ago. I look at it now and it scares me.
It feels not like me yet just like me all at the same time. I am in a better place and it reminds me just how vulnerable many of us who have mental health issues are. It is something that has to be managed every day.
When I started organizing this Suicide Prevention Blog Tour in 2016, it was to help my readers who were finding me wanting to kill themselves because of debt. I was gutted. But it was also personal.
I knew what it felt like to not want to exist anymore. But what I do know is that people who are suicidal don’t really want to die. They want the pain to stop. Yet they can’t find a way out. They’ve run out of hope.
It’s bleak and a hard reality to experience. It’s hard on the people around them, too.
Now that I’ve been through several “episodes” of feeling this way, I can see that is just what it is — an episode. It is possible to feel better. It will pass. That time will come, maybe not on your timeline, but it will.
It requires patience and faith. These are the tools that can offer some light in the darkness to help you keep going on your path.
For anyone reading this who is suffering from debilitating depression or feeling suicidal because of debt — or for any other reason — there is hope.
Depression is a Liar
It’s hard to see through the black clouds. It’s hard to see what’s really there. Why? Because depression is a liar.
Depression and anxiety have lied to me and told me:
- No one really likes me
- I’m worthless
- Why do I matter?
- Nothing I do is important.
It’s all a bold-faced lie. Though it’s been hard for me to realize, I have come to understand that I am not my thoughts. They are there in a moment. And change. Don’t let your negative thoughts take hold and convince you of anything else besides your unique, divine beauty.
You are here. You matter. There is hope. There is help. If you’re struggling with debt, consider getting help with a credit counselor. If you have federal student loans, go on an income-driven plan. Talk to your loan servicers and lenders. Reach out. Know you are not alone. You are not a loan.
Resources
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Call 1-800-273-8255
Crisis Text Line — Text HOME to 741741
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
Open Path Collective — affordable therapy. You can also check your local college to see if their graduate program in counseling offers discounted sessions.
This post originally appeared on Dear Debt.
